With the dust settled from the Asian Cup in Bangkok mid June, I thought I’d take some time to pen down some thoughts.
Coming back into the drive of competitions and trainings, I must say that I truly miss this feeling. This was definitely not in my list of things that I had wrote in 2017 of what I wanted to achieve, but here I am.
Although my body would beg to strongly disagree. I had lessened my trainings for my 70.3 training, but the endurance workouts were taking a toll on my body’s recovery rate. I was scared I would fail and fall way below standards and that I would go back home in shame. I wanted to prove myself, to people around me, and to also go deeper into things that I wanted to do for myself. I was thankful to have endless trainings to occupy my time for this whole first half of the year - my most trying and difficult year that I have ever faced in my 29 years alive.
I asked myself a few questions after the last day of my competition:
- Was everyone disappointed with my performance?
- Did I look calm and composed?
- Am I angry? (For the lack of achieving Gold)
- Is this enough for me?
1. Disappointment
I asked this question because I had felt disappointed with my outcome - I knew that I could have gotten a silver in Speed. I just needed to maintain my timing and flow of a low 10 secs and I would find myself at the final top 1 placings. But it wasn’t the case, having fumbled on my top half in both the top 4 and 3/4th placing knockouts.
Because I had naturally assumed and expected myself to perform, I bounced off that same assumptions onto my team and those who knew and seen me train. I expected them to demand high performance from me. Needless to say, they weren’t at all disappointed with my performance, and I shouldn’t need to consider the expectations of others at this point of time.
2. Composure
This mental state was something that was important for both speed and boulder. With rusty engines turning and a first for me to progress all the way through to finals for double events, it was the only thing that I could count on to help me get by.
While I try my best to keep my mental state at its optimum, I believe my body reacted otherwise. This was especially so for my last 2 runs for speed. I had done everything I could to be prepared, and ready to burst. But fatigue was setting in after having warmed up and cooled down for at least 3 times. My mind was ready to go but my body was not so efficient. Hence I could feel my mind and focus slipping away and had to will myself to stay put. To be honest, I was feeling a little frantic when I lost my first knockout. I knew I needed to win the 3/4th placing. And I tried.
Stepping out from the isolation area, I asked the people around what they saw, because sometimes I’m not entirely sure if what I imagined myself to be and behave, is what others perceive as well. Same as the above, they didn’t see or noticed any frazzled nerves, but merely the slip in action alone. While it was a waste, I can only acknowledge that this was all that I could give with the lack of high intensity preparation, and freshness of my body.
I realise that underneath the simplest of actions, a fury of thoughts and mental battles are being fought inside an athlete’s mind. And it is the strongest and toughest ones, that emerge scathe free.
3. Anger
I had invested a decent amount of time into training for speed. This training had initiated from simply wanting to get back into speed and to accompanying the youths to train. But I found myself training and putting in more time and focus into besting my timings and becoming better. A few sessions before the competition, I was beginning to hit better and better timings which I never thought I would see, even without the foundational strength training one would need to put in. This allowed me to go into the competition with a fresh mind, and readiness to take on the mental stress that came with running up the wall beside someone.
To say that I was not angry with my loss is a lie, for all my reasons mentioned above. But I did not throw a fit, or sulk as I would have. Because with what effort I had put in, it is what it is. I had invested, but perhaps not as much as others. I had the experience, but not as much “juice” and sufficient body conditioning to balance it out. If I didn’t make those mistakes, I will not be missing the Gold, and not be falling short of what I had hoped to achieve. But I accept and know now that those mistakes were mine to make, and I need to move on from it and take it in my stride.
This time around, I am thankful that anger is not something that came swiftly to steal away those moments in the competition. But I don’t deny that the Gold is something that I was pinning for.
I asked myself a similar question exiting from boulder qualifiers. The routes were easy, yet I did not finish them all. I let my sprained thumb get in the way. I must say, that my pride took a hit when I saw how others could easily walk up the route that I had faltered in. I was raring to give it a go again. But of course I couldn’t. All I could do, was channel this into the semi-final round.
Frustration kicked in when I realised that there was nothing I could do, to un-sprain my thumb. Taping was all I could do to not make it worse. But the pain was pulsating and I was afraid it would affect me implicitly. So I had to tuck this thought to the back of my mind, this nagging pain, and hope there wasn’t any big pinches or uncomfortable wraps. I reasoned with myself that top athletes would not let such small injuries mess with their minds, although they would have had physios and medical personnel to help them with it.
Sometimes, overcoming anger within yourself is a barrier that only you can cross. No one else can tell you how better to do it or how to solve it. But if it means anything important to you, you should find a solution to it.
4. Enough
For boulder, I knew that the field was not as strong this time around, and the standards are only what we make of it. Because I had seen Hee Yeon in Hachioji and we had gotten about the same rankings, I had the confidence and courage to dare myself to win this field. But alas, by the time it was isolation time during finals, not just I, but almost every athlete with me behind the walls was feeling fatigue from the long day at speed, and 3rd round of warming up. “Shag” is an understatement. I could only wonder at how to carry myself to compete for the Combined events if I were ever to compete in it. Try and will as hard as I can, I could not get my body to do more than the best that it is already giving.
Walking away with a silver for boulder and 4th for speed was more than I had bargained for. I came into this competition wanting to compete and pit myself against the Asian squads, but took away one of my best few achievements thus far. Strength and standard of the field aside, I had battled more with myself, both physically and mentally, struggled and learned to accept things along the way. And this would have been the same if it were with a different set of competitors.
Of course it is not enough to be 2nd, or 4th. And I will always want to get better and better. I am keen to see what other opportunities come my way. So we shall see.
