vent

grumble grumble.

just back from speed training today.
the pressure i put on myself... i dont know why i do it.
managed to hit 2 runs with a 12+.. but the subsequent ones were bad, and simply not perfect.
i realise i cant pull myself together on this.. my thoughts just go haywire after that.
kept pushing myself to do a perfect set, a fast 100% effort run..
but it just ended up in bad knocks, slips and poor combinations.
argh. frustrating indeed.

i want to do this, i can do this....
but sometimes i think.. its time i start playing and stop training.
its time to love it for what it is and not because i need to do it (although i really do).

i need to get out of this bubble.
listen to my body.
i think i beat myself up too much over this. keep pushing myself, physically and mentally. rushing into getting the perfect run..
sometimes i feel like taking a break. but i cant, because i refuse to believe that judith ever gives up on anything.
because i feel like theres so much to do but i have no time.
because if i dont push myself i will never get it right.

sometimes.. i wish someone would just push me instead.
so that i can just follow and suck it up, and i dont need to psyche myself and waste whats left of my mental strength.
i want to climb happy.. but i dont know why i keep thinking abt all the negatives.